First a little background: I currently work in the security industry (hey it helps pay bills) as a security guard. I work on some of the big events that take place around the area where I live (a rural area of Victoria, Australia) as well as a static position for a local supermarket.
About a month ago I was asked by the staff of the supermarket to watch some teenagers who had walked into the store, because they a known by the staff as thieves and trouble (they like to trash the store.) So I followed these kids around the store until they decided to play games with me (running through the store, etc) so I told them to get the items they had in their hands and leave. Well one began firing abuse and insults at me. At this point I decided to tell this one to leave the store for the night and escorted her out. Since then she has caused me much grief every time she came in.
Come forward to last night, she came in with a couple of other kids I have gotten to know. After making a purchase they left and sat out the front of the store, so I kept my eye on them, while continuing to do my regular job. About half an hour later I spotted this girl talking to a very tall bloke. They kept looking up at me, so I realized she was telling this bloke about me.
About ten minutes had passed and this bloke entered the store. He looked mean. He was wearing what we in Australia call a drizabone (pronounced dry as a bone) which is a large oilskin coat, very similar to a trench coat. I realized that under his right arm hidden in the coat this bloke was carrying a sawn off shotgun. He came up to me, gave me one hell of a mean looked and continued on.
I honestly thought this bloke was about to pull the gun out and shoot me then and there. I thought to myself, how sad it would be to be killed while being alone and miserable after a relationship breakdown. But thankfully, here I am today, able to tell you the story.
I never slept much at all last night because every time I would close my eyes I would see this bloke, and relive the entire situation all over again. So I decided to do a lot of thinking.
Life really is very short. I have been saying that for years now, especially after the passing of some friends, one very dear friend who I still think about every day. But up until last night it never really hit me properly, just how short life can really be. This entire situation has had a major impact on me.
What I am currently experiencing only makes me want to study even harder so I can get into the job of my dreams a lot sooner, and away from the riff raff of rural Victoria. It also makes me want to get out there and find real love.
I have experienced love in the past, one I really thought to be the real deal and forever, but as usual, I was dead wrong.
I don't want to go to the grave never knowing the kind of love where she is as into me as I am her. And I don't mean that in a sexual way either. I mean, just totally digs on everything about me, the words I speak, the stories I tell, everything. But you know what? It is also something I will never get to experience simply because of my ex.
I was totally into my ex. I would hang off every word she spoke to me. The last trip she made here, I actually collected a bit of her hair and to this day I still have it in a box I keep a lot of memories of her in. I mean I really was in love with this woman, still am. And it is because of the feelings I still have for her, that she is now going to rob me of any future happiness, and isn't that sad?
She never knew how much I really do love her. Often she would question me, believing I was getting ready to dump her. Accused me when she broke up with me, of after years of very little actual physical contact with her, that when it came time for her to move here, that I would end up dumping her, and that would never have happened.
Why would I dump someone I have endured such hardship for, when the happiness would finally arrive? I wouldn't be stupid to do that.
I have friends (one just the other day over coffee actually, as I told her about my ex having a new relationship)) tell me to just move on, all I could do was ask her to tell me how I am meant to do that. For me, I thought my ex was the real deal. That we would be together forever. I was totally committed to her. Fuck, I wouldn't endure such pain and hardship for just anyone. I thought she was my soul mate. The connection we had, everything. For me, she was my one true love. And because it was so true for me, I just cannot drop the feelings I have and move on.
My ex has managed to really destroy me and my chances for any real happiness in life. Maybe deep down I do wish that last night, this bloke did pull his gun and end it all for me.
Such is life!