A funny I thought I would share with you!

Received the following in my email this morning, and thought I would post it here. Any words you see written in pink are those added by me.

The questions below about Australia are from potential visitors to our fatal shore.

They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humor.

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Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK ).

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

FC's comment: Then we dry them out and use them for firewood in our cave dwellings. We live in caves to protect us from the year round summer we have. You know, no wind or rain and can be a real bastard.

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Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )

A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.

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Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks( Sweden )?

A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

FC's Response: And remember to bring your own water because we live with a year long summer. Never have any rain, so we have no water.
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Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane , Cairns , Townsville and Hervey Bay ? (UK)

A: What did your last slave die of?

FC's Response: Sure! You can go to any post office or phone booth found all over Australia and find your list there. It is called The Yellow Pages.
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Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? (USA)

A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe... Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not ... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

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Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? ( USA )

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

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Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )

A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

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Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

FC's Comment: I have it on good authority that this question was actually submitted by George W. Bush*... he wanted to take his little Mrs, Condi, on a night out on the town while he was here for the OPEC summit.
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Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK )

A: You are a British politician, right?

FC's Response: It is best you don't wear heels down under. You see, we are a primitive nation full of cave dwelling bull-dykes who go absolutely wild for a woman in heels. Should have seen what happened to the last one who visited us.
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Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

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Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA )

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

FC's Response: Oh that list has been published and is already available in the U.S. You can find it at any post office or phone booth found all over your country. It is called The Yellow Pages. Bring it with you.

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Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA )

A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

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Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? ( USA )

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

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Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? ( Italy )

A: Yes, gay night clubs.

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> >> Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France )

A: Only at Christmas.

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Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross*. Can you help? ( USA )

A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

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Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )

A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.