So much is happening (nothing good) that I just can't keep up with all this bad luck crap. I just can't wait for this bloody, rotten, miserable year to be over and done with.
Where do I begin? With the interesting email I received this evening? Or the admirer I don't want? Or the woman I could have developed something with until tonight?
I will start with the admirer I don't want, first. I have a male who is very interested in me. I have been honest with him and told him I am a lesbian, but still he continues to pursue. I enjoy his friendship, but I just don't know how to explain it to him, that I just want his friendship and nothing more. And something happening tonight with him, and all I want is to be able to talk to my ex about it. And you know what? I can't. She is in the arms of another now, and I am just trying to let her be, to live her life the way she has chosen to.
And so, there is a woman, who I could have developed a relationship with. She is a caring soul, beautiful to look at, someone I get along quite well with. But tonight, I learned she is moving away, so any chance of a relationship developing has just hit a brick wall.
Which brings me to the email I found in my in box just before I left for work tonight. And quite frankly it has left me stunned and bewildered. I do not know at this stage if I will respond to it, I will just have to wait and see.
The email is from someone my ex has allegedly confided in. I say say allegedly because at this stage I am unsure if I believe it or not.
It has been a long time since I have had contact with this person, so it has been out of the blue and totally unexpected. And this person is claiming that my ex is still in love with me. Go figure!!!
This person (I don't want to let on if this person is male or female) says that the entire situation on the forum my ex and I set up just fell as the perfect excuse for my ex partner to let me go.
That it was something she didn't want to do, and has really torn her heart out to do it. But she felt it was better for me, with the emotions the distance was causing me.
That because my ex couldn't guarantee when our life together would actually begin properly, and the hurt she knew this was causing me, that it was better if she let me go to find happiness some place else.
Apparently it is tearing my ex apart watching me tear myself apart, because she knows how much I love her, but because of the time that has gone past since this first all went down, that she has no choice but to keep her feelings about me to herself.
That while I was still a member of DU she was forever watching what I was saying, and there had been a few times she wanted to come to my defence but felt it best not to. And now she feels lost completely because I am not there. That I will always be her only true love.
This email said other stuff as well. Nothing cruel, which I was grateful for, but this email has left me with a real mixed bag of emotions for sure.
I just don't know whether to believe it or not. Yes I would love to think this were all true, but because it is coming from someone else, and there is no proof that this has ever happened, I just don't know whether to believe it or not.
I feel if it is true, then my ex needs to begin being open and honest with, not just me, but herself and her new lady love.
That if this is true, then she should have given me the choice to walk away or not. I am the only person who can decide if I was willing to wait or not. No one else can make that decision for me.
And I can't even confront my ex about this. I cannot write her and say "listen, are you still in love with me" because she will most likely deny it, if she believes she is doing the right thing for me.
The saddest thing with all this is though, if true, that there are two people in this world, who truly one another, and belong together, but are being totally robbed of that, because of the cruel, and harsh U.S. immigration laws.
And the reason this person has told me all this? Because he/she knows my ex has done the wrong thing, and wanted for me to try and reach my ex, because this person knows just how happy we really were when we were together.
Well, I am not about to drag up emotions and contact my ex. I can't. Because if this isn't true, then I am the one who will be hurt all over again. And considering I am still crying myself to sleep at night, I think it best I let it be.